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Flight Meal
There were 103 passengers and only 40 meals got loaded on a USA to Russia flight. The airline had messed up, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.
About 30 minutes into the flight she nervously announced, “I don’t know how this happened but we have 103 passengers and only 40 dinners.”
When the passenger muttering died down she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited liquor during the entire duration of the flight.”
Her next announcement came an hour and a half later, “If anyone wants to change their mind we still have 40 dinners available!
Running in the Rain
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day, she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God, hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” she said.
“I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s gotta hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved along side. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Nope. Only when it’s raining.”
Report Card
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
“Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
A Statue
A woman was in bed with her young lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry, she said, stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then totally dusted him all over with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.” No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two frickin’ days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”
A Discount
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
Old Penny Pincher
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”
The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”