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Old Fool
“Poor old fool,” thought this rich guy as he watched an old man trying to fish in a puddle of water outside of the bar.
He decided to invite the old man inside for a drink and a bite to eat.
As they sipped their whiskeys, the rich guy thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught so far?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth today.”
My wife…
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
Shipwrecked Scotsman
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful, unclad nymphet standing over him.
She asks, “Would you like some food?”
The Scot hoarsely croaks, “Och, lassie, I havna’ ittin a bite in a week, noo, and I am verra hungry!”
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.
When he has choked it down, she asks, “Would you like something to drink?”
“Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry, and I wad verra much like a drink!”
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.
The Scotsman is beginning to think that he’s in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, “Would you like to play around?”
“Och, lassie, don’t tell me ye’ve got a golf course here too!”
I can totally…
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
Where Did People Come From
A child asked his father, “Where did people come from?”
His father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question, and she told him, “We were apes, then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me! Mommy said people were apes first.”
His father replied, “I didn’t lie. Your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
You take away…
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.