Home
I have neither …….
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
The Honeymoon
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.”
“Uh huh,” said the old man.
“We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.
“Uh huh,” said the old man.
“And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,” said the oldwoman.
“That’s right,” said the old man, “except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry,
‘It’s too big, it’s too big!'”
”Friendships must……
”Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.”
Having a Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be darned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up; I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!”
Accident on the Job
Three guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project when Shane fell off the scaffolding and instantly died.
As the ambulance took the body away, Ricky said, ‘Someone should go and tell his wife.” Jeff says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours go by, Jeff comes back carrying a case of beer. Ricky says, ‘Where did you get that, Jeff?’ ‘Shane’s wife gave it to me.’ replies Jeff.
Ricky continues, ‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?’
‘Well not exactly,’ Jeff says. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Shane’s widow”. She said, “No, I’m not a widow.” And I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of beer you are.’
”Sorry for being……
”Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”