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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, and I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife’s butt and ask, ‘Who’s horny?’ And she’s always sound asleep.”
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on the TV, or the lunch with family.
Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the TV.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.
“See?” Janet said happily, “You didn’t miss a thing.”
It was New Year’s Eve party at the super popular New York pub that was packed to the limits.
As midnight approached, the pub’s manager, Marilyn, got up on the bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck midnight, the bartender almost got crushed to death.
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door.
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, “I could really go for an ice cream cone.”
Hubby replies, “Well, I’ll go get you one.”
Wife says, “But, you’ll forget, you better write it down.”
Hubby replies, “No I won’t; what do you want?”
Wife says, “Get me a strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.”
Hubby replies, “Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I’ll remember.”
Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.
The wife asks him, “What took you so long, did you get lost.”
The hubby replies, “No, and I got what you wanted.”
The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries. Wife says, “I knew you you should have written the order down.”
Hubby says, “What do you mean – every thing is there!”
To which the wife replies, “No, it’s not…look, you forgot the pickles!”