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Sunday School Money

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar.
Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. She asked him where he got it.
“I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,” he said.
“But that dollar was for Sunday School,” his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said, “I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!”

My internet…

My internet is so slow, it’s faster to just drive to the Google headquarters and ask them things in person.

First Time Skydiver

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like hours, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up really fast.
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”
The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

What’s Wrong With Me

A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

The best…

The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

Loving Mother

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother.”
Minnie says, “You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”
Shirley says “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in therapy with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me.”
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