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The Musical Octopus
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender brings his beer, the guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar. The bartender tells him, “get that thing out of here!”
The guy says, “No, wait you don’t understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.”
The bartender says, “No octopus can do that.”
The guy says, “No, really I’ll bet you one hundred dollars that you can’t find a musical instrument he can’t play.”
The bartender says, “OK you’re on. Try the piano in the corner.” The guy takes the octopus to the piano and it plays like a pro.
The bartender goes into the back room and brings out a guitar. The octopus plays a song on it. The bartender brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums. The octopus plays them all.
The bartender says, “Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up.” He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe. He sets it in the middle of the floor.
The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.
The bartender says, “There I knew I could find one he couldn’t play.”
The guy responds, “Now just wait a minute. He’ll play it just as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it.”
My buddy set …
My buddy set me up on a blind date and said, “Heads up, she’s expecting a baby.” Now I feel like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.
A Gift for MIL
Two guys were talking at work. “I’ve got a problem,” said the first one.
“What is it?”
“My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?”
“What did you buy her last year?” the other one asked.
“Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.”
“Hmmmm, hard to top that one,” said the other.
They couldn’t come up with anything, so the son-in-law didn’t buy his mother-in-law anything. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so thoughtful!”
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, why bother? You haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”
White Party
A little girl was attending her first wedding where the whole wedding party was dressed in white. She was watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless.
The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one.
Impatient, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”
Last Rites
A priest was driving home when he came across a dead pig lying on the road.
He calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answered the call. “Did ye read him his last rites?” smirked the sergeant.
“Naw,” replied the priest, “I thought I would inform his next of kin first!”