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A young boy went into a grocery store and asked the clerk for a can of cat food. The clerk, wanting to have some fun with the boy, told him that he could not sell him cat food unless he proved that he had a cat. The boy then left empty handed.
A few days later the same boy asked the same clerk for a can of dog food. Again the clerk replied that unless he could prove that he had a dog that he could not sell him the dog food.
A few days later the boy came in again and handed a paper bag to the clerk. The clerk put his hand in the bag and found that the bag was full of poop The boy then said, “Now, can you sell me some damned toilet paper!”
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.
“I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow Buddy and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I’ll give you fifty bucks.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Buddy.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks: “So, Buddy, how was your day?”
Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo Buddy! The second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him Maalox, sir.” says Buddy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the Doctor.
“Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties. She lies down on the table and shouts: Help me – I haven’t seen a man in over two years.”
“Lard Tunderin’ Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”
“I put drops in her eyes!!”
A guy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.
“Excuse me,” said the bartender, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” said the guy, “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.” The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location!’”
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would then lead to other questions.
Finally, I thought about an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I arrived at the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is clearly more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case.