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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”
Martin was being interviewed for a new job.
The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”
Without hesitation, Martin responded, “The living one, of course!”
Driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, a man had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn’t have a cell phone with him, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call sign and asked for assistance.
A coastguard officer responded: “Please state your location.”
The man said “I’m on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish.”
The officer paused. “Could you repeat that?”
“Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish.”
There was a longer pause. Then the officer asked, “Just how fast were you going when you hit the shore?”
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. “I called your wife and spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison!”
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
“The man I marry must be a shining light in the crowd. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!”
An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Girl, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”