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Johnny’s Mom

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said “My mom’s a prostitute!”
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office.
Fifteen minutes later, he returned, and the teacher asked “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”
Johnny said, “Yes.”
“Well, what did the principal say?”
“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for mon’s phone number!”

Any room…

Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.

Touchy Feely

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?!”
“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

How many…

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Walking on the Lake

A rabbi, a minister, and a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing trip together. They went down to their local lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the lake for a day of fishing.
As the afternoon approached, the trio got hungry—and realized that they left their lunches on the shore of the lake.
The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.
“You should have gotten all of our lunches!” scolded the priestess. She then got up, walked across the lake, picked up her lunch as well as the rabbi’s, walked back across the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.
The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. He manages to sputter, “Wha… what… how did you…?”
“It’s the power of our faith,” replied the minister.
The rabbi decided he would summon all his faith and try to walk on the lake too. While he was taking his shoes off, the priestess looked at the minister and asked, “Aren’t you going to tell him about the rock?”
“That would be nice, wouldn’t it… but it’s more fun to see him try first.”

Never tell…

Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That’s where the knives are kept.

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