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Letter From Mom

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom.

As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.

Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.

Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

Lumberjack

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”

The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”

The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”

The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”

“Yes,” he said, “or at least that’s what they call it now.”

Pricey Doctor

A young woman wasn’t feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

“I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.”

The young woman went to the doctor’s office and, trying to save five hundred dollars, cheerily announced. “I’m back!”

Not fooled for a second by a new patient, the doctor quickly examined her and said, “Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.”

Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing a garden, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentleman responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed that she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. Twice a day, for two weeks, she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
“No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

Sent Back to Earth

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”

“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!” “No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

“And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy. “I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply. “Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”