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Talking Too Much

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

Outspoken Cabbie

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

“Mom,“ said the boy, “What are all these women doing?”

“They are waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turned around and said “Geez, lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They are hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes got wide and he asked, “Is that true, mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answered in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asked, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”

“Most of them become taxi drivers.” she said.

Looking in the Right Place

A woman dies and comes to the Pearly Gates where she tells St. Peter that she would like to find her husband who died a few years ago. She gives him her husband’s brief description and name.

St. Peter thinks about it, looks for the name, but he can’t find it. He asks the woman to give more detail. The woman starts: “Well, we’ve been married for 55 years…” St. Peter stops her right there and exclaims: “You should have said that first. I need to look in the Book of Martyrs.”

Jumping Drunk

Two men were sitting at the bar on the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other, “You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.”

The other man says “Get outta here,  you’re joking aren’t you?”

The first man says “No, here, I’ll prove it!” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and comes back in through the 90th floor window.

The other man says. “That was just a one off. Do it again!” So the first man does it again and comes through on the 90th floor. He runs back up and says “See, I’m telling the truth!”

The second man says, “Wow, I’m gonna do it too then.” He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman, who just caught the end of this says to the first man, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!”

Little League

At the Little League meet up, the coach calls over little Charlie, bends down and looks him straight in the eyes.

“Look, Charlie,” the coach says, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship, correct? You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”

“Yes sir, I understand.”

“Good, Charlie. Now, would you go and explain that to your father?”

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