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After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!”…………..A scream then silence followed.
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”.
One angry passenger yelled, “Oh for Pete’s sake, you should see the back of mine!!!”
A man was walking down the street. All of a sudden he heard a loud voice say “Stop! Stand Still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was crossing the road. Once again, the voice shouted “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where he heck were you when I got married?”
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset and she told him: “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!!!”
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale with a note from Bob: “Happy Anniversary, Darling! I hope it’s the model you wished for.”
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor had her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 10 pounds.”
When the woman came back, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 30 pounds. “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” “No, from skipping.”