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Ready to Marry

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Pamela, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, “I’m sorry to say this, son, but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don’t tell your mother.”

The young man was upset, but then he brought up 3 more names to his father. Unfortunately, the response was always the same. So he decides to go to his mother.

“Mama, I want to get married, but according to dad, all the girls that I love, are my sisters. He said I mustn’t tell you, but I don’t know what to do.”

His mother smiling said to him, “Don’t worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. They’re not your sisters because you’re not his son.”

Judi’s New Ride

Judi had her eye on Jaguar XK140 convertible she spotted at a local dealership. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. After she got her bonus check at work, she decided to finally get it and few hours later she was tearing down the leafy country road enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have any clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and made a call to the AAA. After a short wait, she saw a AAA car pull up behind her.

“That’s a lovely car,” said the mechanic. “What seems to be the matter?

Judi replied, “Well, it just broke down I’m afraid.”

“Let me have look.” He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

“Thank goodness,” she said. “What was the matter?”

“Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,” he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, “Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?”

Wife’s Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat. One day, he decided to get rid of him by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat again!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answers, “Put him on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

Debating Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl insisted that it was possible because after all Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not possibly swallow a human, its throat was just too small.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”

Polar Bears

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 percent polar bear?”

“Of course, son” replied the father. “you are 100 percent polar bear”

A few minutes later the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 percent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”

The father put a loving paw on the son’s head. “Son,” he said “I am 100 percent polar bear, your mother is 100 percent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 percent polar bear.”

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father and once more said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying this just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 percent polar bear?”

By now the father is becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 percent polar bear?”

The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!!!”

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