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Two buddies, Chris and John, were the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire lives, Chris and John discussed baseball history in the winter and pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Chris passed away in his sleep. A few nights later, his buddy John awoke to the sound of Chris’s voice from beyond.
“Chris is that you?” John asked. “Of course it’s me,” Chris replied.
“This is unbelievable!” John exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, John.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Friday night.”
Pacing back and forth, a man was getting really anxious about his imminent operation.
His wife asked him: “What’s the matter? Why are you getting so worked up?”
He replied: “I heard one of the nurses say ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you,” said his wife. “What’s so frightening about that?”
“She was talking to the surgeon!”
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, “I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.”
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, “Golly, it worked!”
Puzzled, his mother asked, “What do you mean?”
Little Johnny replied, “Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!”