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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
On the school’s photo day the children had all been photographed in their nice outfits. After the photo session, the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
With a wide smile she said, “Pictures are keepsakes forever. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There is Jennifer, she is a lawyer now’; or ‘That is Michael, he is a Doctor now’, or “Remember Johnny? He was always making jokes in class.'”
In the back of the room, Johnny sounded off “And here is the teacher, she is dead now!!!”
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba”.
A couple’s happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always judgmental, always demanding. Finally the old girl died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, Darling,if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.
His wife looked at him aghast. “My Aunt Emma?? she cried. “I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!”
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”