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You Look Familiar

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Great Marriage

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the  subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained.

“She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”

He continued, “She communicates well and I act like I’m listening.”

Going Camping

Four friends spent weeks planning a perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

“Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed so I did. Then she said, ‘Now, you can do whatever you want.’ So here I am.”

Getting Older

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

One Wish

A woman found a magic bottle, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So, what will it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and the Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable!!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for, a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the map again.”

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