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Routine Test

Bill and Bob, two ten year olds, were sitting in the waiting room of a pediatric clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

“Why are you crying?” Bob asked.

“I came here for a blood test,” sobbed Bill.

“So? Are you afraid?”

“No. For the blood test, but mom said they will cut my finger to get the blood.”

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, “And why are you crying now?”

To which Bob replied, “Mom brought me for a urine test!”

Naked Man

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

“Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!” The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.

“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.

“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”

Snoring Solution

This couple has a dog that snored. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he could help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring. “Yeah, right!” she says and walks away.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed and falls asleep happy.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

Awaken, the woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties
it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman falls asleep and sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, “Buddy, I don’t know where we were or what we did last night, but we took first
and second place!’

Aspirations

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the hottest ho with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and have sex with her three times a day.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Susie?” the teacher asks.

Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s ho.”

Is Dad Home?

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!”

The boy thought for a moment.

“You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”