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A Pirate’s Story

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the sailor. “What about your hook”?

“Well…”, replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”

“Incredible!” remarked the sailor. “How did you get the eyepatch”?

“A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…”, said the pirate, “..it was my first day with the hook.”

Train Accident

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert was visiting a friend. To get to his friend’s house, he needed to cross the train tracks. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on before so while crossing he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party.

While in the kitchen, he hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, these things are no joke, you gotta kill them when they’re small.”

A Prophecy

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!”

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, “I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later.”

Blonde Jokes

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways,” said the nun.

“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.

“Well, there is one thing,” she said.

“Just name it,” said God.

“It’s those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”

“Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”

“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.

“Name it. Please,” said God.

“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”

Wild Thing

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boy’s hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes.

The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, “What’s the matter, old man, haven’t you ever done anything wild in your life?”

The old man answered, “Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

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