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70% of our…
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
Feeling of Remorse
After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during the sentencing hearing said to the defendant, “Mrs. Packard, after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?”
“I did,” the defendant calmly.
“And when was that?” quipped the D.A.
“When he asked for seconds!” came the reply.
My nephew …
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discovered fire.
Bloodthirsty Natives
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, “I’m screwed.”
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: “No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.”
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: “Okay…….NOW you’re screwed!”
Sarcasm is the secret….
“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
Good News and Bad News
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”