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My doctor…
My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
Cat in Heaven
A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, “Welcome. Is there anything you didn’t have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?”.
The cat thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?”. St. Peter arranged for it.
Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, “Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven?” St. Peter of course granted their wish.
About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, “I like it a lot, but what I really like are those Meals on Wheels.”
Having nutrition…
Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
Valentine’s Day Cards
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
The guy’s curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce attorney.”
Flying Broomstick
An engineering student was walking across campus when he saw his classmate flying on a broomstick. He asked, “Where did you get such a great flying broomstick?”
The second one replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful witch flew up on this broomstick. She threw the broomstick to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’ So I took the broomstick.”
The first student nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”