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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”
As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”
The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”
The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”.
“Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota,” asked the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just hookers and hockey players up there.”
“My wife is from Minnesota!”
The boy replied, “Oh Really! What team did she play for?”
Late last fall, the Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Environmental Canada Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Environment Canada Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
‘Yes,’ the man at Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Environment Canada Weather Service again.
“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a crapload of firewood.”
A young, single pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can’t believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”
Two brothers, 6 and 8, were discussing whether the words ‘hell’ and ‘ass’ were curse words. They both agreed that they were in the Bible and they didn’t believe they were bad words. They decided to try them out on mom.
The 8 year old went in the kitchen, his mom asked, “What would you like for breakfast dear, some waffles or bacon and eggs?”
The boy responded, “What the hell, give me some cheerios.” Hearing that the mother smacked him across the face.
The 6 year old witnessed this and slowly entered the kitchen. His mom in a stern angry voice said, “And what do you want?”
The boy replied, “Not sure, but you can bet your ass I’m not asking for cheerios.”
Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say “my darling”. But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her too. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: “Pardon me?”