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When I…

When I get a dog I’m going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

Wrinkle Removal

A man of 77 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.
On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn’t recognize him at first.
“Rob, is that really you?” said the friend. “You look years younger. I didn’t know you had a dimple in your chin.”
“It’s not a dimple, it’s my belly button” said the old man and his friend laughed.
“If you think that’s funny, try to guess why I’m wearing a scarf in the middle of the summer!”

Education is…

Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.

Life After Death

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“No, sir,” the clerk replied.
“Interesting.” the boss said. “You see, I never did either but yesterday, after you left early to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

I’m seriously…

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Old Snake

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

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