Recent Posts From All Categories

Drinking Buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. After a few, one of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin.”
“Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where in Dublin are you from?”
“The East Side.”
“The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where on the East Side are you from?”
“McDonough Street.”
“Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin.”
“Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender, it’s just the Ferguson brothers getting sloshed again.”

Funeral Procession

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My  wife,” the man replied.

“I’m sorry,” said Dave. “What happened to her?”  

“My dog bit her and she died.”

Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

“Can I borrow your dog?” asked Dave.

“Get in line.” replied the man.

Meet the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come on Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before either, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, ” I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

Legal Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Snoring Solution

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you?
He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“Good morning!” he said.
They couldn’t believe it.
They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”

Page 21 of 1,042« First...10...1920212223...304050...Last »