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The Bachelor

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.
“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.”
“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”
“I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine!”

First Confession

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came.

The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”

“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.

“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

Wide Grill

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom.

“Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!”

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

Lethal Diet

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Some vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the chemicals in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”

He scans the audience quickly and points to a man in the front row, “You, sir, why don’t you give us your guess?”

The man in the front row lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake?”

Phone Lock

One Saturday morning, a wife woke up and tried checking her phone before getting out of the bed. After a few minutes of tapping on the phone’s screen, she cursed loud enough to wake up her husband and hurried to the bathroom.

Worried what happened, her husband got out of the bed and followed her into the bathroom only to find her doing her make up frantically.

“What’s the hurry,” he asked. “You just woke up and you’re not going to work today.”

She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition and apparently it’s not recognizing me without my makeup.”

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