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While watching a football game, two friends are talking during a commercial.
One guy says, “My wife said I am obsessed with football and put it before our marriage.”
The other guy says, “Oh, she’s exaggerating.”
First guy replies, “I thought so, too. If I was putting football before our marriage, would I take her out to a really nice celebration of our third season together last week?”
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”
Patrick hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life in bed having sex with me wife!”
And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said: “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”
So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”
She replied: “Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been in there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Two hunters are out in the woods just as it’s starting to get dark. They are walking along and all of a sudden one of them yells “STOP, right now!” They had just stopped 4 inches from falling into a hole that looked to be 5 feet wide.
The other hunter says “OMG! You just saved our lives. We could have fallen into that hole. I can’t see the bottom; I wonder how deep it is?”
“Get something to throw in the hole and we’ll see.”
The other hunter looks around, finds an old anvil near them, picks it up and tosses it into the hole.
“Man, I haven’t heard it hit bottom yet, that’s one deep hole; let’s get away”
Within 8 seconds a goat ran past them and jumped right into the hole.
“Charlie, let’s get out of here, this is some spooky place!”
A few minutes later they come upon a farmer who asks “Hey hunters, have you seen a goat around here?”
“Yes we did, he just ran past us really, really fast and jumped right into a big old hole!”
“That’s impossible! I had him tied to an anvil!”
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbucks one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well we have the Parthenon.”
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire”.
…and so on and on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly,
“That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!”