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I’ve never…
I’ve never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.
A Classy Bar
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you here unless you are wearing a tie.”
The man says, “Okay, I’ll be right back,” and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie.
All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, “How’s this?”
The bartender replies, “Well, okay, but don’t start anything.”
One day…
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Forget-me-not
An Australian travel writer at the beginning of a 6-month tour of Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, “By the way, what’s with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He’s been there ever since I arrived.”
“Oh that’s Big Chief Forget-me Not.” said the manager. “The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life.”
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief’s memory to the test.
“G’day, mate!” said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. “What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?”
“Eggs,” was the chief’s instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not’s great memory.
One local noted to him that “How” was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than “G’day mate.” So, on his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, the Aussie approached ‘Big Chief Forget-me Not’ still sitting in the lobby.
“How” said the Aussie to the Chief, who again did not stop to look up and just replied, “Scrambled!”
Don’t mess…
Don’t mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore.
Daddy and Aunt Jane
Little Johnny runs to his mom yelling, “Mommy, Mommy. I was at the playground and I saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in Daddy’s car go into the woods.”
Johnny’s mom intrigued, asks him to continue with the story.
The boy goes on, “I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”
At this point Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, mom asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”