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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.” He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
A little man and a lady were sitting next to each other on the bus. The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier.
When they reached her stop, it started raining. The woman put up the umbrella. As she did so, she realized that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he was a masher, now she knew it for sure.
She walked quickly down the side street, and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of her home, and rang the bell.
When she heard the doorman coming to the door, feeling herself safe at last, she turned about and addressed her pursuer angrily. “How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?”
The drenched little man spoke pleadingly, “If you please, ma’am, now that you’re home, I want my umbrella back.”
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa, being in a kind of ill mood, responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”
An eighty-five year old woman brought deviled eggs to a social gathering at church one Sunday afternoon.
She was approached by one of the deacons who says to her, “Don’t you think it is wrong to bring deviled eggs to a house of worship on a Sunday?”
She replied, “Not if you fix them correctly.”
The deacon smirked and asked, “And just how do you do that?”
The old woman responded, “Make sure you boil the hell out of those eggs.”
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No.” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”