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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
After taking a quick look around and inside of the car, he approached the blonde, “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the blonde chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…”
“Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles.” He peeked inside the car again and added, “That was just your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
“Shhh” I said, “there’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”
“No I must die in peace. I never really loved you and I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!”
I took a deep breath, looked her in the eyes and whispered, “I know, that’s why I poisoned you, now close your eyes and die already!!”
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce perfect children. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
In his search, he met a farmer who had three stunning daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, “They’re all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”
The man went on a date with the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion. “Well,” said the man, ”She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.” The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.” The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. “Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog doo, 20 feet back, watch where you step.”