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Understanding Women

A man is walking down the road on a nice autumn day, when he comes across an old bottle. He decides to rub it, (as you do to old bottles you find laying in the road) and lo and behold, a genie pops out. (As usually happens when you rub bottles). To thank him for freeing him, the genie decides to give the man one wish, to wish for whatever he wants. (obviously the genie was not feeling too generous as he’d had a bad night the night before),”I’ve never been to Hawaii.” the man says “But i hate to fly as i get airsick, and i also get seasick when travelling in a boat. But i’d really like to go. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii so I could drive there?” The genie shakes his head.”That would take forever, and would cost billions of dollars. Isn’t there something simpler you’d want?”The man thinks a bit more and then says, “Ok, I’d really like to know what makes women tick.” The genie smiles and replies, “Will that highway be two lanes or four?”

Folding Beds

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.

Politically Correct Terms

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90’s

OLD—————NEW

conservative–reactionary

the establishment–white power elite

hearing person–temporarily aurally abled

sighted person–temporarily visually abled

blind–visually challenged

mute–vocally challenged

deaf–aurally challenged

dead–metabolically different

alive–temporarily metabolically abled

ugly–aesthetically challenged

fat–gravitationally challenged

heavy-set–people of mass

rude–politically correct

psychopath–socially misaligned

crooked–ethically challenged

klutzy–kinesthetically challenged

bald–follicularly challenged

short–differently statured

non-white, non-male oppressed–white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive

white male–oppressor

black–african-american

asian–asian-american

afro-american–african-american

minority group–numerically challenged group; under-represented population

black–person of color

Chicano–person of color

weird green freak–person of color

female–person of gender

drooling drunk idiot–person on floor

group of blacks–Under-Represented population of persons of color

Group of Whites–L.A.P.D.

woman–womyn

women–wymin

girl–pre-womyn

man–oppressor

boy–oppressor-to-be

pregnancy–parasitic oppression

janitor–sanitation engineer

disabled car-mechanically challenged car

dish washer–utensil sanitizer

dairy–where cows are raped

ranch–where cattle are murdered

egg ranch–where hens are raped

biology department–where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companies

fishing–raping the oceans

farming– exploiting mother earth

nhl hockey–uniformed fascists vying for superiority

paper bag– processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80’s are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80’s/90’s

deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged

blind /sight impaired/visually challenged

retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged

queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)

fat/big boned/alternative body image

When Do You Need a New Lawyer?

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other.

4. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”

5. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.

6. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”

7. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.

8. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one
with the little hammer, right?”

9. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little
quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

10. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
“Whatever.”

A smoking warning for men

A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking.Health Canada should take note of that penis study.There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population … of this man hath no greater fear.To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division — currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra — to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs.Here’s what came up.* These cigarettes are king size — and you’re not.* Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.* If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.* Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.* Smoke rises — you may not.* Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — if you were capable of conceiving any.* Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.* How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there’s no before?* The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.* Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.

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