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A man is walking down the road on a nice autumn day, when he comes across an old bottle. He decides to rub it, (as you do to old bottles you find laying in the road) and lo and behold, a genie pops out. (As usually happens when you rub bottles). To thank him for freeing him, the genie decides to give the man one wish, to wish for whatever he wants. (obviously the genie was not feeling too generous as he’d had a bad night the night before),”I’ve never been to Hawaii.” the man says “But i hate to fly as i get airsick, and i also get seasick when travelling in a boat. But i’d really like to go. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii so I could drive there?” The genie shakes his head.”That would take forever, and would cost billions of dollars. Isn’t there something simpler you’d want?”The man thinks a bit more and then says, “Ok, I’d really like to know what makes women tick.” The genie smiles and replies, “Will that highway be two lanes or four?”
New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90’s
the establishment–white power elite
hearing person–temporarily aurally abled
sighted person–temporarily visually abled
alive–temporarily metabolically abled
heavy-set–people of mass
non-white, non-male oppressed–white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive
minority group–numerically challenged group; under-represented population
black–person of color
Chicano–person of color
weird green freak–person of color
female–person of gender
drooling drunk idiot–person on floor
group of blacks–Under-Represented population of persons of color
Group of Whites–L.A.P.D.
disabled car-mechanically challenged car
dish washer–utensil sanitizer
dairy–where cows are raped
ranch–where cattle are murdered
egg ranch–where hens are raped
biology department–where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companies
fishing–raping the oceans
farming– exploiting mother earth
nhl hockey–uniformed fascists vying for superiority
paper bag– processed tree carcass
Many of the labels from the 80’s are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).
deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged
blind /sight impaired/visually challenged
retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged
queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)
fat/big boned/alternative body image
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
4. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
5. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
6. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
7. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.
8. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one
with the little hammer, right?”
9. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little
quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
10. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking.Health Canada should take note of that penis study.There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population … of this man hath no greater fear.To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division — currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra — to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs.Here’s what came up.* These cigarettes are king size — and you’re not.* Smoking sections in restaurants aren’t the only things getting smaller.* If you don’t reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.* Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.* Smoke rises — you may not.* Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children — if you were capable of conceiving any.* Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff — so do you.* How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there’s no before?* The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.* Don’t throw lit cigarettes in the urinal — you might not have the range to put them out.