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It was Palm Sunday, and the family’s 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.””Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, and Jesus shows up!”
There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:
“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!”
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
“You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”
“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.”
“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
“Why did you do that?”
“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!
He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ’em!”
The stockings are hung on the chimneyAnd the presents are under the treeAnd mama’s in the kitchen making some herbal teaThe windows are covered with frostThe candles are all alight But as I wander through this quiet houseSomething just doesn’t seem rightYou see, every year the neighbors bring usA Swiss Colony beef logBut the neighbors aren’t aroundThere’s no beef log to be foundthis year Christmas isn’t ChristmasWithout a Swiss Colony beef logWithout those cheeses and meatsI don’t know how I’ll get along — from the South Park Christmas cd, “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.
After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, “Who owns the white horse tied up outside?”
The Lone Ranger says, “Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?”
“Because it’s collapsed and looks like it’s dying,” says the stranger.
So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.
“He’s probably just suffering from the heat,” says the Lone Ranger. He asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.
The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, “Who owns the white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger says, “That’s mine, what’s the problem this time?”
“Oh, no problem,” says the stranger, “it’s just that you’ve left your injun running.”