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Easter Egg Prank

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly coloured one.A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the coloured eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock

Hole behind you

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.

When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.

He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.

She said “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell”?

She replied, “if I told you, you would only laugh.” “No I wouldn’t”, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said “see I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

Fun things for professors to do on the first day of class

1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. 2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number. 3. Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk”. 4. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk”. 6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises. 7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie. 8. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690” and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop. 9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!” 10. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

Famous Sex Quotes

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
–Steve Martin

“You know that look women get when they want sex?
. . .Me neither.”
–Drew Carey

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have
a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

“If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.”
–Rodney Dangerfield

“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it
kind of hard for him to come out of the closet.”
–Bill Kelly

“As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women
and clergymen.” — Rev. Sydney Smith

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date
on Saturday night.”
–Woody Allen

“Homosexuality is God’s way of insuring that the truly
gifted aren’t burdened with children.”
–Sam Austin

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”
–George Burns

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of
getting married.”
–Matt Barry

“Leaving sex to the clergy is like letting your dog
vacation at the taxidermist.”
–Camille Paglia

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
–George Burns

Understanding Women

A man is walking down the road on a nice autumn day, when he comes across an old bottle. He decides to rub it, (as you do to old bottles you find laying in the road) and lo and behold, a genie pops out. (As usually happens when you rub bottles). To thank him for freeing him, the genie decides to give the man one wish, to wish for whatever he wants. (obviously the genie was not feeling too generous as he’d had a bad night the night before),”I’ve never been to Hawaii.” the man says “But i hate to fly as i get airsick, and i also get seasick when travelling in a boat. But i’d really like to go. Could you build me a highway to Hawaii so I could drive there?” The genie shakes his head.”That would take forever, and would cost billions of dollars. Isn’t there something simpler you’d want?”The man thinks a bit more and then says, “Ok, I’d really like to know what makes women tick.” The genie smiles and replies, “Will that highway be two lanes or four?”

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