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Soooooo Fat

Your momma is sooo fat, every time she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!

Bathroom rhymes and graffiti (Part 3)

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 60

In the engineering building, in small print low on the wall in the front
of the
stall so you had to lean forward to read it:

You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle.

Sure enough, he was right.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 61

“Here I sat to take a dump.
Out it squirmed, a greasy lump.
Greenish-black, like melting tar
Or oil from an old used car.
It floats a moment, then it sinks.
My chunky cable – how it stinks!
My ass cheeks tremble, my sphincter sighs,
And cramps of exhaustion clench my thighs.
I weep with pride at my slimy shit,
And ROB is the name I give to it!”

– Lord Byron

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 62

In one persons handwriting –
I love Amy M.
In someone elses right below it –
Who hasn’t?

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 63

I stink, therefore I am.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 64

Written on a bathroom wall:
“Question Authority”
and written beneath it:

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 65

A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:

We don’t swim in your toilet,
so please don’t pee in our pool!

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 66

Another sign seen at a swimming pool:

Welcome to our ool.
Notice there’s no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 67

If you find there is no paper,
Use your finger as a scraper.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 68

Scrawled inside a toilet stall of a college chemistry building:

For a really high time, call CH3-COOH.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 69

here I sit
arms enfolding
my melting body.
I’m wondering of you
as I slowly become one
with the chair that holds me.

Here I Sit
(as I slowly become one / with the chair that holds me)


Here I sit down, broken-hearted
Trying to push a yet unstarted
Poem into bright creation –
Oh, the pains of constipation!

Hours have passed, I’ve merely parted
Rump cheeks and effetely farted
Those weak blasts of wind excluded
Nothing concrete has extruded!

Other assholes far more shitten
In their time have poems written
Am I such a fucked up nerd
That can’t shit a single turd?


As I sit disgorging vapour
My pen rests on toilet paper
Spreading ink out from its tip –
Till the fragile sheets will rip,

And create a sphinctral fissure
Which the pen, with lightest pressure,
Will advance through, triumphally
… deepening my melancholy.

Save me lord from poet’s clog!
Spare me this cramped stinky bog!
This unending waiting on
A clammy bum-unfriendly john!


No! I will not sit and mope!
Yes! I’ll sit, with rumbling hope
To my tum a glow imparting,
Wishing shitting, faintly farting,

Till my muse gets off her butt
And proceeds to squeeze my gut –
Then will plop a finely worded
Poem, goldenly bemerded,

In a blaze of spice (and fury
of the evening’s hot tandoori
chicken …) and in one grand motion
I’ll have spewed my gut-emotion!


So I *will* sit, spouting gas
Even if, in hours that pass,
Crap coats brain and blood runs shitten –
I won’t rise till something’s written!

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 70

In the Crown & Anchor Pub Ladies Room (Austin, Texas)

If you can’t trust me with a Choice,
How can you trust me with a Child?

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 71

Seen in a college chemistry building’s men’s room:

Flush twice – this has to go all the way to the cafeteria!

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 72

Sticker attached to electric hand-dryer in public restroom:

Push button for a message from Congress.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 73

Seen in a bathroom at a truck stop near Las Vegas, Nevada:

There used to be a Mexican joke here…but it slid off.

-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 74

Various graffiti written into the grout:

Alexander the Grout
All creatures grout and small
Down and Grout
Grout Expectations
Grout Expectations
Grout Googly Moogly
Grout balls of fire
Grout dane
Grout expectations
Grout fishing in America
Grout of sight, Grout of mind
Grout scott
Groutful Dead
Saur Grout
Sometimes a Grout Notion
The Grout Divide
The Grout Gatsby
The Grout Groutdoors
Take me grout to the ball game
Three Strikes You’re Grout
Twist and grout

Gifts to Mom

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second
said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled
and said, “I’ve got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed
reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. I sent
her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took
elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. “Milton,”
she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay
most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good
sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

Your Mama So Ugly…

Your mama so ugly when she joined an uglyness contest, they said
“Sorry, no professionals.”

Operating systems as beers

Windows NT Beer — Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

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