Old Aunt Emma

A couple’s happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always judgmental, always demanding. Finally the old girl died.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, Darling,if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.

His wife looked at him aghast. “My Aunt Emma?? she cried. “I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!”

Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”

“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

Wild Dad

I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenage girl sitting next to him. The girl had spiked hair in all different colors – blue, red, green and orange.

My dad kept staring at her and the girl would look at my dad. When she had enough of his staring, she sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response.

In his classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid: “I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter.”