Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “…Who said you iron better than I?”
Maria: “Your husband said so.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “Your husband did.”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”
She got her raise.
A guy comes to the produce store and asks for half a watermelon. The associate explains they don’t sell halves. The customer insists and finally asks to speak to the manager.
The associate enters the manager’s office and says, “Boss, there is this idiot at the store, insisting on buying half a watermelon…” Suddenly, in the corner of his eye, he saw that the customer followed him all the way to the manager’s office, and he adds, “but then this gentleman came over and said he will buy the other half, so I will sell it to him.”
After the whole incident, the manager congratulates the associate, “You handled that awkward situation really well. You are very quick on your feet. Where are you from?”
“I am from Canada,” replies the associate, “the country where half the people are morons and the other half are hockey players.”
“My wife is Canadian,” says the manager
“Oh yes, which team is she playing for?” replies the associate.
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don’t want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him “How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?” He replies “Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.” His father says “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?” Johnny answers “Well, so far, we’ve been lucky…”