The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the monsignor how he could relax.
The Monsignor said, “Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly.”
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the monsignor. It read:
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There were 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the big “T’
5. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as “J.C. and The boys”.
6. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as“Big Daddy, Junior and, The Spook” and finally
7. It is always the Virgin Mary, never “Mary with the Cherry”.
A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling.
They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage.
After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”
The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation… only this year I’m gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin’ your advice ’bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
“I’m taking Earlene with me.”