1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.
2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation….
3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
8. I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
9. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write “A very good doctor.”
The stockings are hung on the chimneyAnd the presents are under the treeAnd mama’s in the kitchen making some herbal teaThe windows are covered with frostThe candles are all alight But as I wander through this quiet houseSomething just doesn’t seem rightYou see, every year the neighbors bring usA Swiss Colony beef logBut the neighbors aren’t aroundThere’s no beef log to be foundthis year Christmas isn’t ChristmasWithout a Swiss Colony beef logWithout those cheeses and meatsI don’t know how I’ll get along — from the South Park Christmas cd, “Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics”
It was Palm Sunday, and the family’s 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by.””Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, and Jesus shows up!”
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