At a restaurant both, celebrating their 50th Anniversary, the husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to follow these two to keep an eye on them in case they need help.
The couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, they suddenly erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know..
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Well, fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
He took out a business card, wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, ‘Genesis
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.’
Genesis 3:10 reads, ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. While typing in her address, he accidentally typed an extra letter and without realizing, sent the email to a widow who just returned from her husband’s funeral.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from friends and relatives. After reading the first email she fainted.
Her son rushed in to check on his mother and saw the computer screen with the message:
“To my loving wife. I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here and we are allowed to email our loved ones. I’ve just been checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice, but I feel lonely without you. I have made necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. I am excited and can’t wait to see you.”
A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s going on?” she asks.
“I think I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy, Mommy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on.”
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband. Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
“You rotten bitch”, she screams. “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids?!”
Paddy and Shane are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Shane slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Shane. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in rehab exercising.” Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Shane out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Shane slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane off to the hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the rehab again exercising.” And sure enough, there’s Shane out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Shane comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Shane to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Shane is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”
“No”, says the nurse, “Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”