Anthony and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Anthony suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling Anthony out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor met with David and said, “We have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
Women have always been overly suspicious of their husbands. Back in the day, Adam liked to stay out very late some nights and enjoy peace and quiet alone. But that made Eve upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.
“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs!” said Eve.
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
“No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?”
The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head.
“No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
An angry wife calls her husband who is late for dinner and yells to the phone, “Where the hell are you?”
Husband replies, “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”
Wife, with a smile and blushing, replies sweetly, “Yeah I remember that my love!”
Husband says, “I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”