There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.
On his last day, he hails a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan.”
After awhile, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan.”
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan.”
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The fare was $300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Wahso expensive!”
There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan.”
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”
Little Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, “I think the man would have said: ‘Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!”
A mother repeatedly called upstairs for her son to get up, get dressed and get ready for school. It was a familiar routine, especially at exam time.
“I feel sick,” said the voice from the bedroom.
“You are not sick. Get up and get ready,” called the mother, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door.
“I hate school and I’m not going,” said the voice from the bedroom, “I’m always getting things wrong, making mistakes and getting told off. Nobody likes me, and I’ve got no friends. And we have too many tests and they are too confusing. It’s all just pointless, and I’m not going to school ever again.”
“I’m sorry, but you are going to school,” said the mother through the door, continuing encouragingly, “Really, mistakes are how we learn and develop. And please try not to take criticism so personally. And I can’t believe that nobody likes you – you have lots of friends at school. And yes, all those tests can be confusing, but we are all tested in many ways throughout our lives, so all of this experience at school is useful for life in general. Besides, you have to go, you are the principal.”
At a supermarket, a customer asks “In what aisle will I find Irish sausage?”
The assistant replies “In the deli department. Are you Irish?”
Clearly offended, the man replies “Yes I am, but let me ask you something, if I had asked for bratwurst would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked for tacos would you have asked if I was Mexican?”
“Probably not” says the assistant.
“So why ask me if I’m Irish?”
So the assistant says “Because we are in Dublin you thick arse!”
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, “Going to a party?”
“Yeah, a costume party,” the man answers, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”
“But you look like Abe Lincoln,” protests the bartender.
“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”