Violinist

The conductor turned to the violin student and said: “You should have taken up the violin earlier.”

“Why?” asked the student. “Do you think the practice would have made me really good?”

“No,” said the conductor. “But you might have given up by now.”

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Emergency Procedure

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

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Pretending to be Married

A man and a pretty woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.

The man on the top bunk and the lady on the bottom bunk.

During the night, man woke and asked “Sorry to bother you, but would you reach into the closet to get me the 2nd blanket, I’m freezing!”

“I have a better idea” she replied, “Why don’t we pretend we are married?”

“Wow what a great idea!” he said.

“Good” she said, “Get your own blanket yourself, you lazy bastard!”

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Asking for a Raise

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than I?”
Maria: “Your husband said so.”
Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “Your husband did.”
Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”

She got her raise.

 

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Quick on Your Feet

A guy comes to the produce store and asks for half a watermelon. The associate explains they don’t sell halves. The customer insists and finally asks to speak to the manager.

The associate enters the manager’s office and says, “Boss, there is this idiot at the store, insisting on buying half a watermelon…” Suddenly, in the corner of his eye, he saw that the customer followed him all the way to the manager’s office, and he adds, “but then this gentleman came over and said he will buy the other half, so I will sell it to him.”

After the whole incident, the manager congratulates the associate, “You handled that awkward situation really well. You are very quick on your feet. Where are you from?”

“I am from Canada,” replies the associate, “the country where half the people are morons and the other half are hockey players.”

“My wife is Canadian,” says the manager

“Oh yes, which team is she playing for?” replies the associate.

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