One Spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. “Are you all right?” I asked.
Still sobbing, one held up her doll. “My baby’s arm came off,” she said.
I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. “Thank you,” came a whisper from the girl as I handed her the doll back. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, “And what’s the matter with you, young lady?”
She wiped her cheeks and said, “Oh I’m okay, I was just helping her cry.”
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, “I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?”
“Oh, not any more, he doesn’t,” the widow replied.
“What stopped him?”
“I started talking about my next husband.”
An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and said “Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all the money in the till, and then I want you to take me into your storeroom and make love to me.”
The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the old woman’s handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom, they took off all their clothes, and made love.
In the excitement the old lady dropped the guns on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said “Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I’m expecting my wife to arrive any minute.”
Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”
Abe says, “I don’t care.”
A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”
Abe says, “Your choice.”
A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”
Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.”
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Johnny answered, “A good lawyer.”