An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock, brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check.
“I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.” “I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. Not so fast, McGrath!”
Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn’t caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one “How come you’ve been catching all them there fish and I ain’t caught a single one?”
Guy number one replied, ” I don’t know…. why don’t ya come on over here?”
“I don’t know…. I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well”
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, “Why don’t you walk across this here beam of light?”
Guy number two replies “You think I’m stupid? When I get half way you’ll turn it off!!!”
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
After the marriage the bride put a box next to her bed and told her husband never to open and check, what’s inside of it. 40 years passed and the husband impatiently opened the box and found there 3 empty bottles of beer and $14,000.
In the evening during the dinner he tells his wife:
– Darling, I have to admit, I opened the box. Would you explain why there are 3 bottles?
– You see, whenever I cheated on you, I emptied a bottle of beer and put it in a box…
The husband gives it a pause and thinks: well, 3 time, that isn’t so much…
– And why do you keep the $14,000 there?
– Well, when the bottles do not fit in the box, I return them and get back the deposit.