Aspirations

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the hottest ho with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and have sex with her three times a day.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Susie?” the teacher asks.

Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s ho.”

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Is Dad Home?

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!”

The boy thought for a moment.

“You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”

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Drunk Talk-back

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough!!

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Married Life

A newlywed couple had been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be back in a couple hours.”

“Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar with my boys, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries. “Which one would you like, baby?”

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop, but at the bar, you know, they have frozen glasses.”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious. I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey, at the bar there’s swearing, dirty words and all that fun manly stuff.”

“You want dirty words? Drink your f****king beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your damn snacks, because you are married now, and you aren’t going anywhere. Got it, you a-hole?”

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Pickup Line

A rather elderly gentleman walks into an upscale hotel cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady in her mid-seventies. The gentleman walks over, sits down next to her, and orders a drink.

He takes a sip then turns to her and says, “So tell me good looking, do I come here often?”

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