Last night, I swung my arm over my wife in bed and it felt a little easier than usual.
“Love, have you lost weight? I asked.
“Awww, thank you honey, that’s so sweet of you, but I don’t think so.” She replied. “In fact if I am honest, I’ve actually piled it on lately.”
“Oh, that explains it,” I said out loud what should have forever stayed unsaid, “you’ve just sunk deeper into the mattress.”
Today I am sleeping on the couch.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, “He is in Heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows it.
“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'”
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?!?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks, and believe me, it helps me sleep at night!”
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in the father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.”
“Oh my,” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.
“At first, I wanted to trash them too, but after giving it a little thought, I poked holes in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun fainted.
A man goes to a doctor, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?”
“Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!” says the doctor, “They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take the pill and your problems are history.” The doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of days later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
“Doctor, Doctor!” yells the man excitedly, “I’ve got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It’s wonderful! I’ve had sex fourteen times in eight days!”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that” says the pleased doctor, “What does your wife think about it?”
“Wife?” asks the man, “I haven’t been home yet!”