Expensive Pictures

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done. Very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day. Now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

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Awaiting Surgery

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?” asked the son.

“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best. Just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

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Amazing Your Man

Three friends met up for lunch. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and one has been married for fifteen years. The were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black lingerie, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

They met in three days for lunch and talked about how it went.

The engaged one started saying, “The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.”

The mistress went next. “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.”

Finally, the married one shared her story. “When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He came in the door, saw me and said, ‘What’s for dinner, Zorro?'”

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Sick of Her

One time I got sick and landed in hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” Or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?”

I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted… I just smiled.

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Buying a Porsche

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up his parent’s driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!”
“Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”
“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”
“The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”
The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!”
“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

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