Painless Childbirth

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic

When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

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Air Sick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy’s chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling any better now?”

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Talking Too Much

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

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Outspoken Cabbie

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

“Mom,“ said the boy, “What are all these women doing?”

“They are waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turned around and said “Geez, lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They are hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes got wide and he asked, “Is that true, mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answered in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asked, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”

“Most of them become taxi drivers.” she said.

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Looking in the Right Place

A woman dies and comes to the Pearly Gates where she tells St. Peter that she would like to find her husband who died a few years ago. She gives him her husband’s brief description and name.

St. Peter thinks about it, looks for the name, but he can’t find it. He asks the woman to give more detail. The woman starts: “Well, we’ve been married for 55 years…” St. Peter stops her right there and exclaims: “You should have said that first. I need to look in the Book of Martyrs.”

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