Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, ‘Wives who worked full-time and had to do all the housework were too tired to have sex’.
The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it.
‘We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’
‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends.
‘Oh, that … Ralph was too tired..’
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!”, and she pushed him into the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
“Who are you?” he asked him.
“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards!”
A guy was driving his new Corvette way too fast on the highway. Suddenly, he heard the siren and saw the police car with its lights on behind him. Hesitantly, he pulled over and waited for the officer, his sun glasses still on, and his cigarette still lit, arrogant smile on his face.
“Sir, you are aware that you were driving 30 mph over the speed limit, aren’t you?” the officer said as he handed the man his violation ticket.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist arrogantly.
“Keep it,” said the officer, “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.
Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.”
“Great. Where do you live?”
“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.”
“Good. But tell me…what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?”
“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’. Perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. “Well, noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”
“Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, “Ye no’ think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”