Smart Parrots

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

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Store Greeter

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they aren’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

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Three Questions

A man called up his lawyer and asked: “How much would you charge to answer three questions?”

The lawyer thinks for a moment and said: “Two thousand dollars plus tax.”

“TWO THOUSAND!” cries the man. “That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose it is,” said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: “So what’s your third question?”

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Betting a Blonde

A blonde and a redhead are watching the late news. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the mean in the lead story, who is on the ledge of a 40-story building, will jump.

“I’ll take that bet,” the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such a tragic incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she doesn’t need to pay the $50.

“No, a bet’s a bet,” the blonde replies. “I owe you $50.” The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies, “No, you don’t understand. I saw the six o’clock news, so I knew how it was going to turn out.” “That’s OK,” the blonde replies. “I saw it earlier too, but I didn’t think he would jump again.”

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Froze to Death

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second man.

“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. And how did you die?” he asks the first man.

“I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

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