Child’s Commentary

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.A few moments passed.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.”Matt’s riding a new bike.”
A few moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving.””Jason is on his skate board.”
A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex.”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they are having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too.”

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Pastor’s Children

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber shoes.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’

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40th Anniversary

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, “Silver.”

At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver…to match her hair.”

Shooting a glaring look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said, “So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then.”

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New Player

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.”

“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want is to make it past Thanksgiving Day!” 

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Unfortunate Switch

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.

“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.

“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”

“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.

She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”

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