John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s a jerk,” John said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply, “and he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did! You’re back at work on Monday.”
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas or they will be rejected.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a nut cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of woman’s underwear. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”
The man answers, “They’re Carol’s.”
One year, I needed a second job and worked as a Santa at a huge mall. My disguise was so good, when my wife brought our son to visit Santa, he didn’t recognize me at all. He sat on my lap and asked me for an electric train set.
“If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
A mother and her four year old son were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. Accidentally, the mom dropped one cookie on the floor.
“No problem,” she said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued the child. “It’s now got bacteria on it.”
“Don’t worry,” replied the mom with a sneaky smile, “Santa will never know.”
The child thought about it for a moment and said, with a note of suspicion in his voice, “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good all year, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”
At a store, a teenage girl stood in line waiting to pay for her items. Three people stood before her in the line. She took out her phone and checked all of her social media accounts, took some selfies and texted a few friends. After 15 minutes she realized that the line wasn’t moving at all.
She shouted at the cashier, “Hey dude, is this line going to take all day long?”
The cashier replied, “Please step aside miss and come here. You are standing behind three mannequins.”