An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
“Let’s have a big party, Homer,” she suggested. “You’ll need to kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”
Three men died in a car accident and came to the Pearly Gates where they met St. Peter who said, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie, hell is waiting for you.
He asked the first man, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” St. Peter replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man St. Peter asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “I cheated on my wife twice.” St. Peter replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man he asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” The third man replied, “I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” St. Peter replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”
Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Tom and Bill said their final goodbyes to their good friend, David.
“Thanks for puttin’ us up for the weekend, pal,” said Tom. “The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed sleeping with your wife.”
Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Tom and said, “I hope you weren’t serious about enjoying sleeping with his wife!”
“No, I wasn’t serious. It was lousy.”
At 8 p.m. one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top-secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy.
The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again.
Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.
“I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife and now you have to tell her where I was all night.”