A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning gray?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child about good behavior and obedience and said, “It is because of you, dear. Every time you misbehave, throw a tantrum or do something mommy asked you not to do, one of my hairs will turn gray!”
The boy thought for a moment and replied innocently, “Ahh, so now I know why Grandma has only gray hairs on her head.”
A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game.
The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave.
His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion. “What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.”
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific “whack”! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green.
Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.
“What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.”
“No,” the man replies, “last time I did that I got two over par.”
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the imbecile who’s in there now.”
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.”
Paddy replied, “No it’s genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.”
A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.
He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The consultant asks Arnold what he’s doing. Arnold smiles and answers, ‘Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?’
The consultant nods and continues talking to Arnold and ask what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, ‘Oh, he’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.’
The consultant looks up and notices that Mark’s face is turning red and blue.
The consultant remonstrates with Arnold and says, ‘If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.’
Arnold replies with a sigh, ‘What? And work in the dark.’