This couple has a dog that snored. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he could help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring. “Yeah, right!” she says and walks away.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed and falls asleep happy.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
Awaken, the woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties
it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman falls asleep and sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.
He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, “Buddy, I don’t know where we were or what we did last night, but we took first
and second place!’
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the hottest ho with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and have sex with her three times a day.”
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie?” the teacher asks.
Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s ho.”
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.
“No, they went to town.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!”
The boy thought for a moment.
“You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough!!
A newlywed couple had been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be back in a couple hours.”
“Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar with my boys, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries. “Which one would you like, baby?”
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop, but at the bar, you know, they have frozen glasses.”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious. I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
“But my sweet honey, at the bar there’s swearing, dirty words and all that fun manly stuff.”
“You want dirty words? Drink your f****king beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your damn snacks, because you are married now, and you aren’t going anywhere. Got it, you a-hole?”