Traffic Violation

A guy was driving his new Corvette way too fast on the highway.  Suddenly, he heard the siren and saw the police car with its lights on behind him. Hesitantly, he pulled over and waited for the officer, his sun glasses still on, and his cigarette still lit, arrogant smile on his face.

“Sir, you are aware that you were driving 30 mph over the speed limit, aren’t you?” the officer said as he handed the man his violation ticket.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist arrogantly.

“Keep it,” said the officer, “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

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Visiting a Friend

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.

Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.”

“Great. Where do you live?”

“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.”

“Good. But tell me…what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?”

“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”

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Penny For Your Thoughts

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. 
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’. Perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.” 
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. 
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. 
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.”
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. “Well, noo,” he said, “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.”
“Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, “Ye no’ think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

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Helping a Trucker

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

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Gambling Blonde

A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says, “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”

The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, puts on her shirt and walks out.

The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?”

The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”

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