Gone Overboard

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.”

The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

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Have You Ever

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen a $20 bill all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly pulled out a crumpled $20 bill from her bra. He took the bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen a $50 bill all crumpled up?”

“Uh, no, I haven’t,” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her sheer undies and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill. He took the bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said ever so softly, “Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

“No!” he answered trying hard to hide his arousal.

She replied “Then go check the garage!”

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Armed Lady

A state trooper in Kansas made a traffic stop of an elderly lady for speeding on U.S. 166 just East of Sedan, KS. He asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to him.

In with the cards, he was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. He looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something, body language, or the way she said it, made him want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now he had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.

He then asked her “Ma’am, you sure carry a lot of guns. What are you so afraid of?”

She looked him right in the eye and said, “Not a dam thing!”

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Chocolate Chip Cookies

An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies.

He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world.

With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.

There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got smacked across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.

“Leave them alone!” she said, “They’re for the funeral!”

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Bored Tourists

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: “The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accommodation is dreadful…”

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” their guide says. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”

“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouts. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”

“Well now,” the guide says, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”

“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone?” the woman scoffs.

“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide responds. “But I have sat on it.”

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