Bad Words

Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking the neighbor’s window with a baseball.

“What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father.

“Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?”

“Without, of course.”

“Well, then, he said nothing.”

Read More

Patiently Waiting

Four  men waited at the men’s tee while four women were hitting in front of them, taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and trying to be cool about her bad game said, “I guess all those f***ing lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately responded, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

Read More

Funeral Guitarist

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I was still lost…

Read More

Sunbathing

A rather well proportioned young lady spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

“What difference does it make,” the woman asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

Read More

Doctor’s Mistake

A famous doctor was being interviewed by the news media. Looking to spice things up a little, one reporter asked if the doctor had ever made any serious mistakes.

“Well, yes,” the doctor sighed. “I once cured a multimillionaire.”

“How was that a mistake? The reporter asked.

The doctor shook his head wearily. “I did it in one visit!”

Read More