Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”
“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”
The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”
“Yes,” the other bat answers.
“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descent.
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!”
An obviously distraught guy walks into a crowded bar, waves his gun and yells, “I have a .45 Colt Auto with eight rounds in the clip and one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
The bar gets completely silent and no one says a word for an extended period of time. The guy fires one shot in the ceiling and repeats his threat, “Will the man who’s been sleeping with my wife stand up, or should I start shooting randomly?”
After another uncomfortable minute of silence, a faint voice from the back of the room calls out, “You don’t have enough ammo!”
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot blonde girl walking in.
He asked the trainer standing next to him, “What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?”
The trainer looked him up and down and said; “I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”