Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.
As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run, too!”
A teenage son comes to his father and with a smirk on his face says, “Dad, remember when I was younger, and you saw me kill a butterfly and you told me ‘No butter for a week.'”
“Yeah,” said the father.
“And remember when you saw me kill a honeybee later?” continued the son.
“Yes, no honey for a week for that” said the father with a smile.
“Well, I just saw mom kill a cockroach. Will you tell her or do you want me to break it to her?”
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with St. Peter and the Devil standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher then stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings.” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,”Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!” With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “Then, go to Hell!” With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!” The Devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat.” The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?” The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “from my butt hole.” And the idiot went to Heaven.