My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “that’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
Washington organized a competition of two-line poem in which first line must be the most romantic, but second line should be the least romantic. This is the winner:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’
What inspired this amazing rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime!
Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?!”
“Poor Old fool,” thought this rich guy as he watched an old man trying to fish in a puddle of water outside of the bar.
He decided to invite the old man inside for a drink and a bite to eat. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught so far?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth today.”