Quick on Your Feet

A guy comes to the produce store and asks for half a watermelon. The associate explains they don’t sell halves. The customer insists and finally asks to speak to the manager.

The associate enters the manager’s office and says, “Boss, there is this idiot at the store, insisting on buying half a watermelon…” Suddenly, in the corner of his eye, he saw that the customer followed him all the way to the manager’s office, and he adds, “but then this gentleman came over and said he will buy the other half, so I will sell it to him.”

After the whole incident, the manager congratulates the associate, “You handled that awkward situation really well. You are very quick on your feet. Where are you from?”

“I am from Canada,” replies the associate, “the country where half the people are morons and the other half are hockey players.”

“My wife is Canadian,” says the manager

“Oh yes, which team is she playing for?” replies the associate.

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Curing Fears

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink in search of a solution.
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the shrink.
“Come talk to Me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit”, replied the doctor.
“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?”, he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?”, and, with a bit of an attitude, the doctor said, “and just how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”

 

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Stranded on an Island

There’s this guy who has been stranded on a deserted island, all alone for 10 years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good!

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a nice cold beer?” He replies, “Oh, God, it’s been at least 10 years!” She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a dry ice pack from around an ice cold beer, hands it to him and watches as he take a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?” And the man replies, “Good God, woman! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

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Traffic Camera

So, I was driving down College Road the other day. As I went past one of the traffic cameras I saw it flash. Now, I knew I wasn’t speeding and laughed that it took my picture. I turned around and drove past it again, almost 10MPH under the speed limit, it flashed at me again. I did this repeatedly and the last time I was at a crawl, laughing my butt off that it took my picture again, how funny was this.

Two weeks later I got 6 tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt.

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FBI Tip

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. “Hello?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.” “We’ll send some men over, thank you for alerting us.”

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

That evening, the phone rings at Tom’s house. “Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yeah they did.” “Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

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