John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
“How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.
“It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”
A preacher notorious for his lengthy sermons, watched as a man got up and left halfway through his message. The same man returned just before the finish.
Afterwards the preacher asked him where he had gone.
“I went to get a haircut,” said the man.
“Why didn’t you go before the service?” asked the preacher.
“I didn’t need one then!”
Driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, a man had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn’t have a cell phone with him, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call sign and asked for assistance.
A coastguard officer responded: “Please state your location.”
The man said “I’m on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish.”
The officer paused. “Could you repeat that?”
“Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish.”
There was a longer pause. Then the officer asked: “Just how fast were you going when you hit the shore?”
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it’s hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”
After a short pause, the other old man says, “Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!”
Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn’t working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was.
The husband replied: “In the five weeks that we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on a single thing.”
The judge turned to the wife: “Have you anything to say?”
She answered: “It’s been six weeks, your honor.”