A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $1,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $3,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $5,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $5,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
A guy at a bar got so drunk, he fell off his stool and vomited all over his shirt. Getting up, he says to the bartender: “Oh no, my wife will start a fight when I get back because now she will know I drank too much.”
The bartender puts $10 into the man’s shirt pocket and says: “Just tell her that it was someone else who vomited on you and in apologies gave you money for dry cleaning.” The man is happy and goes home.
Back home, the man’s wife opens the door and seeing his shirt, she starts yelling: “You were at the bar again…” but the man stops her in her tracks and says: “Yes, I did go to the bar and had just one beer when this other drunk vomited all over me. Check my shirt pocket, he apologized and even gave me $10 for dry cleaning.”
The woman hesitantly checks the pocket and exclaims: “But there’s $20 in here.” “That’s because he also pooped my pants,” explains the man.
A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order. One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man.
”Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?”
The man looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!”
”So,” the pharmacist asked, “then what do you do with all those condoms?”
The gentleman answered, “I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags.”
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. “I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.”
Psychiatrist: “Don’t you have a phone in your car?”
Blonde: “That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”
Psychiatrist: “Uh … How’s that working?”
Blonde: “Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.”
Psychiatrist: “And why do you think that is?”
Blonde: “I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”