A man and a pretty woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.
The man on the top bunk and the lady on the bottom bunk.
During the night, man woke and asked “Sorry to bother you, but would you reach into the closet to get me the 2nd blanket, I’m freezing!”
“I have a better idea” she replied, “Why don’t we pretend we are married?”
“Wow what a great idea!” he said.
“Good” she said, “Get your own blanket yourself, you lazy bastard!”
A distraught young blonde woman suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger, she drove to a local pawn shop and bought a gun.
She showed up at his apartment unexpectedly, slammed open the door, and sure enough he was in his bedroom, naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.
This angered her, and in the heat of the moment, she opened her purse and pulled out the handgun she bought earlier. She took aim, but grief overcame here and she pointed the gun at her own head.
“Honey, NO!!! Don’t do it!!!” he yelled.
The blonde started crying and through the tears screamed: “Shut up, cheater. You are next.”
A priest went into a Washington D.C. barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked how much he owed the barber. “No charge, Father,” the barber said. “I consider it a service to the Lord.” When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer books on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later, a police officer came in. “How much do I owe you?” the cop asked after his haircut. “No charge, officer,” the barber answered. “I consider it a service to my community.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a senator walked in for a haircut. “How much do I owe you?” he asked. “No charge,” the barber replied. “I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen senators waiting on the stoop.
A guy walks into the local Welfare office, marches straight up to the counter to collect his fortnightly check and says “Hi. Ya know, I just hate drawing Welfare. I’d much rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll drive her around in his Mercedes or his Rolls. You’ll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips, and you’ll have to satisfy all of her needs. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is $200,000 a year”
The guy says, “You’re joking me!”
The social worker says, “Yeah, but you started it”.
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”