There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. One thing that got everyone’s attention, was a huge flower covered heart on the wall behind the casket.
After the usual sermon by a preacher and testimonials from friends and colleagues, everyone finally learned the purpose of the huge heart. After a moment of silence, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
The long, stunned hush of the mourners was broken when a man near the front burst into laughter.
The preacher demanded an explanation.
“I’m sorry,” the man said, “I just pictured my own funeral.”
“And why would that be funny?” inquired annoyed preacher.
“I’m a proctologist!” said the man chuckling.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
A grade school teacher often gave her students Lifesavers as a treat. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, “I will give you all a clue. It’s what your Mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh my God! They’re a-holes!”
A farmer owned 25 young hens and one old cock . He felt that the old cock could no longer handle his task efficiently, the farmer decided to buy a young cock from the market.
When he brought the young cock home, the old cock approached it.
Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are too old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can’t I help you with some?
Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition. If I win you shall allow me to have one hen, if I lose you will have them all.
Young cock: OK. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock: No problem! We will compete tomorrow morning.
In the morning the young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might. Soon enough, he is behind the old cock’s back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly…”BANG”!!! Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer who cursed, “Hell, I got to change my supplier, looks like it’s the fifth gay cock I bought this week!”