A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper.
The bellboy was gone a long time. When he returned, the man remarked, “It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday.”
“There was no trouble with the liquor,” replied the bellboy, “but it’s tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday.”
It was the last 10 minutes of his shift on the highway, and this cop had yet to catch a real speeder and score a huge ticket. Just as he was about to give up and drive away, a car appeared on the horizon, moving extremely fast.
The cop pulled up his radar and, score, the driver was going 20 miles per hour over the speed limit. He jumped in his car and turned his siren on, motioning the driver to pull over. However, the driver just sped up and kept going for a few more miles before finally pulling over.
The cop got out of his car and the driver rolled down his window.
“Oh, I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said with a wide smile to the driver who happened to be a young girl.
The girl replied with a wink, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
The cop laughed and said, “Oh yeah? So why didn’t you pull over right away?”
“Well, daddy told me to always play hard to get.”
When he stopped laughing, the cop let her go with a warning.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday the swelling went down just enough to see her a little out the corner of his left eye!
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?”
“Ummm… 4!” the blonde says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?”
“Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.
“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
“Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.
“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
“Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”
At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.
Son: “Daddy what are those big round things on mommy’s chest?”
Dad: “They’re balloons son. When mommy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Son: “Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mommy kept saying ‘Oh God, oh God,’ but she didn’t float anywhere.”