A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.”
“I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
A teenage son comes to his father and with a smirk on his face. “Dad, remember when I was younger, and you saw me kill a butterfly and you told me ‘No butter for a week.'”
“Yeah,” said the father.
“And remember when you saw me kill a honeybee later?” continued the son.
“Yes, no honey for a week for that” said the father with a smile.
“Well, I just saw mom kill a cockroach. Will you tell her or do you want me to break it to her?”
This couple had a very bad marriage. For years, they have been fighting, cheating on each other and living a miserable life together.
One day, during one of their fights, the wife decided she has had enough and yelled, “I am done with you, pack your stuff and get the hell out of my house.”
The husband turned around, went to the bedroom and started packing a suitcase.
After about an hour, the man emerged with his suitcase in the living room, turned to his wife and said, “Well, I hope you have a great life, you nasty witch.”
Angered, the wife replied, “Oh I hope you die a slow death.”
“So you want me to stay after all.” said the man.
Two rednecks were struggling with a huge table in a doorway. They pushed and pulled and upped it and downed it until both were exhausted.
Between gasps for air, one managed to say, “We better give upcause we’ll never get this table into the house.”
“Into the house?” screamed the other. “I thought we were moving it out of the house!”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.
“Breastfed”, she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist.” The doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know”, she said, “I am his Grandma.”