There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”
The woman replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”
He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”
She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”
He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”
The woman said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.”
“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.
“Then you can ask him,” replied the woman.
The kindergarten teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name.
She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, “That’s a sheep!”
“That’s right!” said the teacher. “How about this one?” she said, holding up a picture of the king of the jungle.
“That’s a lion!” answered a little boy.
“Right!” said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. “What does your mother call your father?”
Little Johnny jumped up and said, “I know! That’s a lazy old ass!”
Why did my wife leave me?
Well, last month was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”
“Okay,” I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa…naked.
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn’t want to spend a lot of money. “How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman.
“Anything from $2 to $2,000.”
“Can I see the $2 model?” said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man’s neck, and said: “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into the back of your shirt.”
“How does it work?” asked the customer.
“For $2, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder.”
One Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
“Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” Shane commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”
Shane thought for a moment and said, “How do you play WHO AM I?”
“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The mailman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun, I’m sorry I missed it.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” David responded, “Your name came up 7 times.”