A Calling

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, 
“Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.” 
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?” 
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen.”

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God’s Creation

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, 
“Grandpa, did God make you?” 
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.” 
“Oh,” she said. “Grandpa, did God make me, too?” 
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.” 
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

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Nervous Priest

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the monsignor how he could relax.

The Monsignor said, “Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly.”

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the monsignor. It read:

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There were 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the big “T’
5. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as “J.C. and The boys”.
6. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as“Big Daddy, Junior and, The Spook” and finally
7.  It is always the Virgin Mary, never “Mary with the Cherry”.

 

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Show and Tell

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.” So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
“Just a minute.” she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. “Do these excite you?” she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. “Well, come on,” she said, “we don’t have much time.”
Being that it was my first time, I was done within a minute.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.
I said, “I sure did.” and held up my thumb to show her.

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Couples Counseling

A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling.

They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage.

After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”

The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”

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