A married man was having a long-term affair with his secretary.
One day, they were overcome by passion and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they both fell asleep and didn’t rouse until well into the evening. As the man hastily threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and then he quickly slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having hot, passionate sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been out playing golf!”
A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut. She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on spot.
Confused about what happened, the stylist put on the headphones and she heard the recording say “breath in, breath out.”
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, “All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the number of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, an officer from the back of the auditorium asked, “Do we have enough Jews?”
A frustrated father talked to his work colleague about his kids and discipline.
“When I was a youngster,” he said, “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room he has a TV, a laptop, a game console, his cell phone, and a stereo.” After a moment he added, “And I bet he has a stash of snacks there too. We are starting to lose our minds, man, you know what I mean?”
“Oh I do,” replied his colleague, “We’re dealing with the same struggle.”
“So what do you do?” asked the first one.
“We send him to our room!”