Calling a Witness

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

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Candy Colors

A grade school teacher often gave her students Lifesavers as a treat. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red……………….Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green……………..Lime
Orange ……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, “I will give you all a clue. It’s what your Mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh my God! They’re a-holes!”

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Young and Old

A farmer owned 25 young hens and one old cock . He felt that the old cock could no longer handle his task efficiently, the farmer decided to buy a young cock from the market. 

When he brought the young cock home, the old cock approached it. 

Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are too old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can’t I help you with some?

Young cock: No!! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition. If I win you shall allow me to have one hen, if I lose you will have them all.

Young cock: OK. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock: No problem! We will compete tomorrow morning.

In the morning the young cock allows the old cock to start off and when the old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might. Soon enough, he is behind the old cock’s back in a matter of seconds. 

Suddenly…”BANG”!!! Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer who cursed, “Hell, I got to change my supplier, looks like it’s the fifth gay cock I bought this week!”

 

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Crazy Drivers

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural road. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW–SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”

Again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign. It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers.” The sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

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Raffle Winnings

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. And the kids pointed to the oldest one.

“Who never talks back to mother? The kids pointed to the middle child.

“And who does everything mother says?”

Five small voices replied in unison. “Okay daddy! You get the toy.”

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