Birds and Bees

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, “Daddy, what is sex?” The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, he reckons if she’s old enough to ask the question, then surely she’s old enough for a straight answer. So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the “birds and the bees.”

After a brief explanation, the little girl appears a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief. “By the way, dear, why do you ask?” the father asks.

The little girl replies, “Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

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Backwoods Birth

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?

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Proof of Age

An older man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application for the benefit. He doesn’t have a birth certificate, or an ID to prove his age so he opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest. They accept that as a proof of his age and eligibility. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.

She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”

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You’ve Got Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blond neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I’ve got mail!”

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Facebook Friendships

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, and private investigator and a psychiatrist.

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