An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.” And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP COMPLAINING?!”
A tourist and his trail guide were walking along a path when all of a sudden the guide runs up the hillside to a cave, yells “Wooo wooo,” listens for a moment, and goes charging into the cave, stripping off his clothes on the run. He returns in about 15 minutes. The same scenario occurs again, after which the tourist asks about this strange behavior.
The guide explains that if one of the young ladies of his town is in an amorous mood, she goes into a dark cave. If she hears “Wooo wooo,” she responds “Wooo wooo” to signal that she is ready and willing. No one knows who is who and everyone is happy.
The tourist is amazed and asks if he might partake in this local custom at the next cave. The guide doesn’t see any problem with this. At the next cave the tourist runs to the entrance and calls out “Wooo wooo.” To his delight, he hears a sonorous and enticing “Wooo wooo” sung back to him from the recesses of the cave. He takes off his clothes, rushes headlong into the cave, and gets run over by a train.
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the dog diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with the nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me. The guy behind me in the line almost got a heart attack and I got in trouble with the Walmart’s manager.
Moral of the story: Don’t ask retired people stupid questions. They have the time to come up with the damnest responses.
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.
One of the questions asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered “spine” are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the family planning office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method.” “That will work,” said the counselor, “but only if you keep a good record.”
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don’t forget to take them”.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short pause, he told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim.
The counselor asked the first girl what went wrong with her method. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”’
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied,“The birth control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn’t have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”
He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don ‘t have a clue
what the bucket and saucer method is.Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”
She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him”.