An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “Praise the Lord!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for god to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted “Praise the Lord. God I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please Lord, send me some groceries!!”
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “Praise the Lord.”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome young cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’
She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’
‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’
She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.’
The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’
‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’ The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you crying?’
‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.’
The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.’
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, “Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won’t mind.”
So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, “Alan, old Stacey did actually mind putting the purchase on the tab and gave me a long lecture. Why didn’t you just give me some money?”
Alan replied, “Well, Sandra, I didn’t want to send you out there with cash when I wasn’t sure how thick the ice was!”
A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse.
He said that they would have sex on the bell system. He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off… two bells meant get into bed… and three bells meant start fooling around.
The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system. He hollered “One Bell” and she took off her clothes. He hollered “Two Bells” and she got into bed. He hollered “Three Bells” and they started fooling around like crazy.
A few minutes later, she yells “Four Bells!!!”
“Four Bells?” the fire chief asks, “What is four bells?”
“Let out more hose!” she yelled. “You’re nowhere near the fire!”
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.
His wife screams at him while his friend sits and listens in.
“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?”
Calmly the husband replies, “Because he’s thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo.”