One More Drink

A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink. “Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you obviously already had a little too much to drink.”

Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door. “Can I have a drink please?”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”

“Enough!” the bartender screamed. “I told you, no drinks!”

The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Geez! How many bars do you work at?!”

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Different Kinds

There are five different kinds of sex:

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Screw you!”

And the last, fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in court.

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Father’s Occupation

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”

The first student raised her hand to volunteer. “Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”

Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”

The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”

Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”

“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on Little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”

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Buying Wood

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

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A New Instrument

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

“Oh,” said My Dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” I asked.

“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

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