A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
A farmer and his brand new wife were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, “That’s once.”
A little farther down the road the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, “That’s twice.”
A little while later the horse stumbled yet again. The farmer didn’t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand-new wife yelled, telling him, “That was an awful thing to do.”
The farmer responded, “That’s once.”
A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says: “Get gas and free sex here”. So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.
“Pick a number from 1 – 10 to get free sex.” said the cashier.
“Uh, okay, 3!” the man replied.
“Nope! Sorry play again”.
So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex.
One day he was really ticked, “This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex!” He screamed.
“Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!”
A teacher was giving a lesson about the circulation of blood. He said, “Now who can help me solve this mystery. As you know, if I stood on my head, the blood would run into it and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes, sir,” the kids chorused.
“So why is it,” asked the teacher, “that when I am standing upright, the blood doesn’t run into my feet and make them turn red, like my head?”
The kids were silent for a moment, when a voice from the back called out, “I know, because your feet aren’t empty!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light.”
A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”