Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, “The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow’s stall. You show him where it is.”
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
She says, “This is the one, right here.”
The man says, “How do you know?”
Amy says, “By the nail over its stall.”
The man says, “What’s the nail for?”
Amy says, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him around the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” the man asked.
The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it, that I found in your pants pocket.”
The man then said, “When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.” The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious, upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
“Your horse phoned,” replied his wife.
A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”
Father replies, “O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”
Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”
Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.”
Father replies, “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.”
A local priest and deacon stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They held up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge is out’ instead?”
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked…”And where were you when I got married?”