On a hot summer afternoon a beautiful young woman came across a secluded pool, largely hidden from view by a row of bushes. After checking that nobody was around, she took off all her clothes, but just as she was about to jump in, a man appeared from behind the bushes.
“I’ve been watching you!” he yelled, “This is private farm land, and I’m the owner. Swimming in this pool is strictly prohibited.”
“You could have told me that before I undressed!” she said.
The farmer replied: “Swimming is prohibited; undressing isn’t.”
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa, being in a kind of ill mood, responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”
An eighty-five year old woman brought deviled eggs to a social gathering at church one Sunday afternoon.
She was approached by one of the deacons who says to her, “Don’t you think it is wrong to bring deviled eggs to a house of worship on a Sunday?”
She replied, “Not if you fix them correctly.”
The deacon smirked and asked, “And just how do you do that?”
The old woman responded, “Make sure you boil the hell out of those eggs.”
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No.” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”
A man called home to his wife and said: “Darling, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re leaving from the office today though. I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Could you pack me a bag, and please pack my new blue pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, “Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes.” After a moment he added, “Why didn’t you pack my new blue pajamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife smirked and replied, “I did, dear. They were in your fishing box!”