Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an
attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer’s heart. “It was easy,” explained the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

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Bar Food

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

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Wrong House

An old man was asleep in his chair one afternoon when he was awoken by the sound of the doorbell. He shuffled to the door and when he opened it, he saw a beautiful young woman standing there.

“Oh dear!” she said. “I’m at the wrong house.”

“Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old guy assured her, “but you’re about 40 years too late!”

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Anxious Before Surgery

Pacing back and forth, a man was getting really anxious about his imminent operation.

His wife asked him: “What’s the matter? Why are you getting so worked up?”

He replied: “I heard one of the nurses say ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you,” said his wife. “What’s so frightening about that?”

“She was talking to the surgeon!”

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Doctor Visit

After examining a male patient, a doctor took the man’s wife aside.

“I must be honest with you,” he said in an ominous tone, “I don’t like the looks of your husband.”

“Me neither,” said the wife. “But he brings home a good wage, and he’s great with the kids.”

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