The Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here, “she cried,” one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Read More

Mean Old Man

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won’t stop and ask for directions!”

Read More

Definition of Tragedy

The President was visiting a grade school the other day and sat in on an English class. To participate in the class, he asked for someone to give him an example of a tragedy.

A little girl named Peggy held up her hand timidly and said, “If my friend was walking across the street and a car ran over her… well, that would be a tragedy!” “Well, thank you for trying,” the President said. “That would be what we would call an accident, but not a tragedy. Can anybody else give me an example?”

A little boy named Timmy said, “If the school bus was full of kids and a truck hit it and killed all the kids that would be a tragedy.” “Well, that would be what we call a great loss, but it doesn’t quite make the tragic category,” the President replied.

About his time little Johnny held up his hand. “Oh. Oh. I know, I know…” Johnny started. “If you and the Vice President and all the senators and all the congressmen were having a meeting, and a bomb blew everybody up that would be a tragedy.” “That’s right!” the President exclaimed. “How did you figure that out?” “Well,” said Johnny, “it wouldn’t be an accident and it darn sure wouldn’t be a great loss!”

Read More

Speed Limit

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 7 year old son.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.

After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.

She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.

Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”

Her son piped up from the back seat, “I do… because you couldn’t catch the other cars!”

 

Read More

Amish Ride

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh,” says Sarah, “I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”

“That’s fine,” replied the cop. “Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around his privates. I consider that animal cruelty. Have your husband take care of that right away too!”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” Asked the husband.

“He said the reflector is broken.”

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”

“I’m not sure, Jacob, something about the emergency brake.”

Read More
Page 30 of 436« First...1020...2829303132...405060...Last »