A teacher was giving a lesson about the circulation of blood. He said, “Now who can help me solve this mystery. As you know, if I stood on my head, the blood would run into it and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes, sir,” the kids chorused.
“So why is it,” asked the teacher, “that when I am standing upright, the blood doesn’t run into my feet and make them turn red, like my head?”
The kids were silent for a moment, when a voice from the back called out, “I know, because your feet aren’t empty!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light.”
A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”
A man’s wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours, applying the “miracle” products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and asked, “Darling, honestly now, what age would you say I am?”
He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, “Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.”
“Oh, you’re so sweet!” gushed the wife.
“Well, hang on,” he replied, “I’m not finished adding it up yet.”
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. When the priest tried to pay for the haircut, the barber refused, saying, “You do God’s work,” The next day the barber found a dozen Bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to accept money. “You protect the public,” he said. The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “You serve justice.” The next morning, the barber found 12 lawyers standing in line waiting for haircuts.
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. “Mr. Avery, don’t leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the Matchmaker.
“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Avery, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.”
“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”
“I said ‘two sisters’. I didn’t say they were mine!”