A guy appeared in court for killing his wife after catching her in bed with another man. Passing sentence, the judge said:
“Can I ask, why did you kill your wife instead of just killing her lover?”
The defendant replied: “But your honor, is it not better that I just killed her rather than a different man each week?”
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Logan explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
There were two guys that went to hunt for a gorilla for the zoo. Since they had to catch it alive, they went prepared. They had a pair of handcuffs, a high power rifle and a Chihuahua.
One of the guys asked the other what all the stuff was for.
His friend replied: First I am going to go up in the tree and shake him out, when he hits the ground, the dog will run up and bite him on the nuts and then we handcuff him.
Then the first guy asked what the high power rifle was for?
His friend responded: In case he shakes me out of the tree first, you shoot the dog.
After examining a male patient, a doctor took the man’s wife aside.
“I must be honest with you,” he said in an ominous tone, “I don’t like the looks of your husband.”
“Me neither,” said the wife. “But he brings home a good wage, and he’s great with the kids.”
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”