A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
The guy’s curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce attorney.”
A man is driving in America when he picks up a Navajo man hitchhiking.
They are making small talk when the Navajo notices a brown paper bag with something in it.
The driver notices his glance and explains, “That’s a bottle of wine I got for my wife.”
The Navajo man nods solemnly, “Good trade.”
On the way home from an office party, a wife said to her middle aged husband: “Have I ever told you how sexy and irresistible to women you are?”
“I don’t believe you have dear,” he replied flattered.
“Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?”
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
“What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.
“He says you’re gonna die.”