A man complained to his friend “My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.”
“Don’t do that,” volunteered his friend “there’s a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.”
The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he added something special from himself.
He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead, get a filter.
Your dog has worms, give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs, get her into rehab.
Your wife is pregnant, it’s not your baby.
And if you don’t stop masturbating, your tennis elbow will never get better.
A young lady came home and told her mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in God, nor Heaven or Hell.
“Marry him anyway dear,” the Mother said. “Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
“My wife is poisoning me,” the man replied.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, “Yes!”
Rabbi replies, “Take the poison.”
There once was a magic Mirror and if you told it a lie you would disappear. So A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde tried it out.
The Brunette goes up and says, ” I have the best lookin eyes in the world” And POOF. She disappeared.
The Redhead went up and said, ” I have the best legs in the world” And POOF. She disappeared.
Finally the Blonde went up and said, ” I think…” And POOF. She disappeared.
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
“Well,” he snarled at the blonde, “what do you want?”
“I just want to know why you can’t ring the bell for yourself?”