A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you?
He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“Good morning!” he said.
They couldn’t believe it.
They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”
As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”
The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”
The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”.
“Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota,” asked the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just hookers and hockey players up there.”
“My wife is from Minnesota!”
The boy replied, “Oh Really! What team did she play for?”
Two brothers, 6 and 8, were discussing whether the words ‘hell’ and ‘ass’ were curse words. They both agreed that they were in the Bible and they didn’t believe they were bad words. They decided to try them out on mom.
The 8 year old went in the kitchen, his mom asked, “What would you like for breakfast dear, some waffles or bacon and eggs?”
The boy responded, “What the hell, give me some cheerios.” Hearing that the mother smacked him across the face.
The 6 year old witnessed this and slowly entered the kitchen. His mom in a stern angry voice said, “And what do you want?”
The boy replied, “Not sure, but you can bet your ass I’m not asking for cheerios.”
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, S—!”
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”