A visitor at a mental hospital asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the doctor, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket as it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” replied the director. “A normal person would pull the drain plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?”
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud ‘hiss-pop’ noise.
“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a ‘Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop’ noise.
“Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”
“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. “It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”
“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”
“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak, “My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
The wife replies, “No, the jerk was talking his paper route.”
A woman on her death bed asks her husband to rush home and get a wooden box out from under their bed. The man returns home, gets the box out from under the bed and opens it to find 3 eggs and $7000.00 in cash.
He returns to the hospital and asks his wife, “Honey, why are there 3 eggs and $7000.00 in cash?”
She replied, “Well, over our 35 years of marriage whenever we had bad lovemaking I would put an egg in the box.” So, immediately the husband thought of himself as a love machine.
He asked her, “Well, what is the money for?”
The wife replied, “Every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them!!!
A young lady came home and told her mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in God, nor Heaven or Hell.
“Marry him anyway dear,” the Mother said. “Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how wrong he is.”