Three men were on a bus to prison where they were allowed to bring only one personal item. They were telling each other what they brought.
The first man, being intellectually minded, said, “I wanted to bring something that could actually have a variety of purposes. It needed to be something that I could not be easily bored with. So I had a hard choice to make, between a small radio, a tiny television set, and a deck of cards. Knowing that electronic devices would more than likely not be permitted personally to an inmate, I decided upon the cards, so that I can play a number of games: Gin, Rummy, Solitaire, Hearts,” and continued to name more games.
The second man said, “I like painting, and I intend to be the Grandmother Moses of this jail house. I am going to paint anything that I can. So I brought my painting supplies.” The third man, a blond, said with a grin, “I was thoughtful enough to bring a box of Tampons.”
Muffled, the other two men questioned his choice, “What in the hell can you do with Tampons?”
The man grimaced happily, “Well, just look here on the box. You can swim, horseback ride, even skate! I just can’t wait to see how they work!”
There were 2 hunters from the south hunting together one day. One of the men dropped dead and the other man started to freak out so he called 911.
When the call came through the operator answered “Hello, what’s the emergency?”
“Well a buddy of mine dropped dead what do I do?”
“OK first you have to clam down then make sure that he is actually dead”.
There are some deep breaths on the line followed by a brief silence and then a gun shot. Then, the voice comes back to the phone and says, “OK now what?”
Two old ladies were discussing their husbands. One said: “I do wish George would stop biting his nails. It’s such a horrible habit.”
Her friend said: “My Arnold used to do the same. But I eventually cured him of it.”
“How did you do that?”
“I hid his teeth!”
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words, “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ “And so, here we are!”
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”