A wife comes home late one night, arriving early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
“Hi, Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.”
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, “Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?” The blonde said it was hers.
“Your dog seems to be in heat” the officer said. The blonde replied, “No way. She’s cool in the shade of that tree.”
The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.”
“No way,” said the blonde. “My dog doesn’t need bread. She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this morning.”
The exasperated policeman said, “NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to mate!”
The blonde looked at the cop and said, “Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.”
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the damn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered: “Put that son of a b….. on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”
The defendant was before the judge in court. The judge says “You have been charged with the murder of your wife by smashing her skull with a hammer until she was dead.”
A voice from the back of the court yells “You bastard!!!”
Next the judge says “You have also been charged with the death of your mother-in-law by smashing her skull with a hammer until she was dead.”
Again the voice from the back of the court yells “You’re a bastard!”
The judge looks towards the back of the court and says “If the man in the back can’t control himself I will have to ask him to leave.”
The man replies “I’m sorry judge, but I lived next to that bastard for 20 years and every time I asked him if I could borrow a hammer he’d tell me he didn’t have one”
A young man at a college was learning about the wonders of the newest computer programs. This newest program could answer any question you asked of it, as long as you provided your name and birth date.
The young man asked this question, “Where is my father?”
The computer printed out the answer “Your father is fishing in Minnesota.”
The young man said it’s incorrect because his father died 20 years ago. The professor suggested rephrasing the question so the young man asked “Where is my mother’s husband?”
The computer printed out “Your mother’s husband died 20 years ago, but your father is still fishing in Minnesota.”