A pirate goes into a bar and the bartender says: “Long time since I’ve seen you, man, you look terrible.” The pirate says: “I feel fine.”
The bartender says: “Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you.” “Well, I got into a battle and a cannon ball hit me in the leg, but I’m ok.”
“Well, you didn’t have that hook on your arm either.” The pirate says: “Got in a sword fight and lost my hand.”
The bartender says: “What about the eye patch?” The pirate replies: “Well, a bunch of sea gulls flew over the boat and when I looked up one of them shit on my eye.” The bartender says: “How did that make you lose your eye?” The pirate replies: “It was the first day with the hook.”
It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
“Please come quickly!” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!” The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.
“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.
“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”
“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.
Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
Sister: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…
Sister: Father, I’m terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I’ll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later…
Sister: Father, I’m still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later…
Sister: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket!
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. One carried a penalty of 15 years while the other was a life sentence.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”