There was one little boy in the teacher’s class who really struggled to learn.
One day the teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence, and of course he didn’t know.
The teacher asked him every day for a week but still he couldn’t give the right answer.
Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to come and see her. She said to him, “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence.”
The father said to his son, “Come here, boy, and sit down.”
The boy duly did as he was told and then his dad said to him, “Now if you signed that stupid thing, just admit it so we can get out of here.”
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a tribesman at an exotic location.
“What is it made of?” she asked.
“Alligator’s teeth,” the local replied.
“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us?”
“Oh no,” the man replied, looking at the tourist as if she was the fool. “Anybody can open an oyster.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late: “It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.”
The boss eyed him suspiciously, “Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?”
“I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”
Two hunters were dragging their recently slain deer through the snow back to their truck. Each one had a grip on a rear leg.
As they passed by an old Indian, he commented that the deer would pull a lot easier if they pulled it by the front legs because of the direction that the deer’s hair lays.
So the hunters each began pulling by the front legs.
About 20 minutes later, one of them says, “Boy! This is a lot easier.”
The other one replies, “Yes, but we sure are getting a lot farther from the truck!”