A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a tribesman at an exotic location.
“What is it made of?” she asked.
“Alligator’s teeth,” the local replied.
“I suppose,” she said patronizingly, “that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us?”
“Oh no,” the man replied, looking at the tourist as if she was the fool. “Anybody can open an oyster.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late: “It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.”
The boss eyed him suspiciously, “Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?”
“I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”
Two hunters were dragging their recently slain deer through the snow back to their truck. Each one had a grip on a rear leg.
As they passed by an old Indian, he commented that the deer would pull a lot easier if they pulled it by the front legs because of the direction that the deer’s hair lays.
So the hunters each began pulling by the front legs.
About 20 minutes later, one of them says, “Boy! This is a lot easier.”
The other one replies, “Yes, but we sure are getting a lot farther from the truck!”
An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two large zombies – a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two zombies, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn’t so lucky and the male zombie caught him and ate him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two zombies were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” said the lawyer, pointing to the male zombie.
The policeman looked at the zombies, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE ZOMBIE.
“What did you do that for!” shouted the lawyer, “I said he was in the other zombie!”
“Exactly,” answered the policeman. “Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you two weeks ago that the Czech was in the Male?”