A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ’em doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doin’ all this drinking.
“You’d drink ’em this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I only have a dollar.”
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher in a rather mean and arrogant manner.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, the butcher’s voice came booming over the speaker system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.”
“My goodness,” he says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever tasted it?
The Rabbi said, “I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, “Your religion, too…I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But….”
The priest replied, “Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.”
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”
A man stops off at a bar after work to have a couple of drinks. He starts talking to this woman, and even though the guy is married, he thinks she is so fine that he agrees to go back to her place.
When he gets to her place, he finds out that she is a prostitute and that she wants $100.
“Forget it,” the man says, “you never told me you were a prostitute. All I do have is $10 on me, will you take that?”
“You won’t get any decent prostitute for that,” the hooker says. She throws the guy out.
Later that night, the man and his wife go out to dinner. While they are eating, the same prostitute who happens to also be eating there recognizes the guy. She comes up to him and says, “See, I told you. Look at the kind of trash you’ll pick up for $10.”