A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
“Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
The Guinness resident replies “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all entered a hunting contest. The winner could win $500.
The redhead went out, found some tracks, followed the tracks, and came back with a 250 pound bear.
Then the brunette went out, found some tracks, followed the tracks, and came back with a 275 pound buck.
Finally, the blonde had to beat 275lbs, so she went out and found some tracks. She followed the tracks and came back with a broken leg and an arm, no teeth and blood all over.
The judge asked “What happened????”
The blonde said “I found some tracks, followed the tracks, and got hit by a train.”
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.
“God? Are you really there?” Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. “Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?”
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. “A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.”
“Oh,” said Jimmy. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”
“A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.”
“Wow!” remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. “You’re so generous. Can I have one of your pennies?”
God replied, “Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute.”
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”