The huge college freshman figured he’d try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach.
“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
Doc says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender brings his beer the guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar. The bartender tells him, “get that thing out of here!”
The guy says, “No, wait you don’t understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.”
The bartender says, “No octopus can do that.”
The guy says, “No, really I’ll bet you one hundred dollars that you can’t find a musical instrument he can’t play.”
The bartender says, “OK you’re on. Try the piano in the corner.” The guy takes the octopus to the piano and it plays like a pro.
The bartender goes into the back room and brings out a guitar. The octopus plays a song on it. The bartender brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums. The octopus plays them all.
The bartender says, “Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up.” He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe. He sets it in the middle of the floor.
The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.
The bartender says, “There I knew I could find one he couldn’t play.”
The guy responds, “Now just wait a minute. He’ll play it just as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it.”
Two guys were talking at work.”I’ve got a problem,” said the first one.
“What is it?”
“My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?”
“What did you buy her last year?” the other one asked.
“Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.”
“Hmmmm, hard to top that one,” said the other.
The two guys couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his mother-in-law anything. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so thoughtful!”
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, why bother, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”
The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said “My mom’s a prostitute!”
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”
Johnny said, “Yes.”
“Well, what did the principal say?”
“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!”