An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am,” replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
“I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women,” told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian!”
At dinner, a father is asking his kids about the school. He turns to the oldest daughter “How is your history paper coming along, dear?”
“Well, it was hard at first. My history professor suggested that I use the internet for research and it’s been very helpful.”
Surprised at the professor’s suggestion, the father asked “Oh really, how so?”
“Yes, so far I’ve located 7 people who will write it and sell it to me for a good price.”
A guy driving a pickup truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up.
“What the hell was that?” he asks shaken.
The truck driver replies, “Ehh, just some kinda animal, go back to sleep.”
Further the same thing again, bang, “What the hell was that?”, “some kinda animal again.”
Further into the night, the hitch-hiker wakes up to bang, bang, bang.
“What the hell was that?”
“One of my wife’s lovers!”
“How terrible,” says the hitch-hiker, “but there were 3 bangs.”
The truck driver replies, “Yeah, well I had to go through two fences to get the bastard!”
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ’em doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doin’ all this drinking.
“You’d drink ’em this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I only have a dollar.”
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher in a rather mean and arrogant manner.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, the butcher’s voice came booming over the speaker system, “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”