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I didn’t realize…
I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation said, “In 400 feet, pull over and let me out.”
Two Old Guys
Two old guys at a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.
One says to the other, “I see that the older I get, the more pain I am in. It seems that these days even my aches have pains.”
The other one says, “I don’t think I experienced that. I feel much different, actually.”
The first guy, surprised with the other guy’s response says: “You must be close to my age. How are you feeling these days?”
The other one says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby? How come?”
“Yep. Just like a baby – no teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
I always…
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
A Fortune to Inherit
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Texting Hubby
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.”
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”